Give a woman a choice between true love or single life and she will undoubtedly choose real love. Real love is what most women want. No matter who you are, no woman wants to feel unwanted, unappreciated or unimportant. We want a man who wants to be with us because they value who we are as an individual.
With the best intentions, you may inadvertently attract men who are emotionally unavailable despite your greatest efforts to date “good” men. Here are five ways you are attracting emotionally unavailable men.
- You are overly concerned with how he feels about you.
When a man senses that you are too concerned with how he feels about you, he starts to value you less. He doesn’t have to try hard to please you. You spend time and energy attempting to make him happy instead of giving him the opportunity to please you.
You overcompensate to keep the relationship intact. You work hard to make sure the relationship doesn’t dissolve, so you overlook red flags. By ignoring the red flags, you attract a man who is not pouring into you in a way that is uplifting and beneficial to you.
- You want to be needed
You want to feel special when your man needs you. You want to be important to him, and one of the ways you get that need met is by “mothering” him. Being consumed with what he is doing with his life that you begin to neglect your own. You want more for him than he wants for himself. You find yourself constantly telling him what to do, or trying to find ways to help him get to his next level.
You ensure that he is on the “right” track, but neglect your career or personal goals. You’re emotionally drained because he doesn’t improve or perform the way you hoped he would. When a man senses that you are more bought into their dreams than he is, he feels judged. The man feels like you don’t love him unconditionally because your attempts to help feels like you are trying to change him. A man will not give his heart to a woman who he feels doesn’t see that he is already complete with or without a promotion.
- You don’t have clearly defined boundaries.
Knowing what you accept and what you reject is crucial. When you fail to have clearly defined boundaries, the man doesn’t trust your judgement. You come across fake and unsure about who you are. If you are not sure about who you are and what you stand for, a man cannot sink a hook in something that is not stable. Being flexible is different from compromising your values to impress him. Men will not tell you that they are testing you, but some will to see if you are really who you say that you are.
Sticking to your core beliefs and values set you apart from other women. Men are intrigued by women who have a healthy sense of self minus an attitude. Be clear about who you are so that it is not confusing to a man who is looking for his wife. Keep in mind that you quickly eliminate men who are going to waste your time when you keep your standards intact.
- You’re afraid to be alone.
You’re scared of being alone; so you accept anything that comes your way. You settle for men who meet your basic requirements instead of men who ignite the wonder women within you. The fear of being alone is too painful to imagine, so you seek validation from being in relationships with men.
If you are always in relationships, and never take a break to heal and reflect then you are likely to get the attention of a man who wants to feel needed. We attract who we are. You may need to take a break from relationships to focus on yourself. When you have clarity, you attract men who know what they want as well.
- You believe that men cannot be trusted.
You’ve convinced yourself or have conceded to the idea that all men are cheaters who don’t commit to one woman. You may also believe that all men will eventually break your heart, and you may be emotionally unavailable. You don’t open yourself up to the possibility of love because of your previous relationships or childhood trauma. Because of your current state of mind you end up attracting men who are not emotionally available.
The goal is to think about your past relationships, and identify mindset blocks or beliefs you have about yourself or men. It would be helpful to identify the type of men you’ve attracted in the past and pay close attention to what they have in common. It may not be an easy task, but it is a necessary one. This exercise mirrors the energy men get when they meet you.
Written By: Queenette Nwobodo
Quenette is a relationship mentor who specializes in helping smart, successful, and purpose-driven women (like you!) understand and connect with men in a way that’s unique and long-lasting. Learn more about Quennette here.